I can't even put my hair in a ponytail

"I am a rock. I am an island."

Words I have subconsciously been living by these past few months.
But today, in the middle of tears, frustration and the aisles of Target I discovered I am not.
Everything that I am and have is a gift. A gift entrusted to me - the steward.
16 days ago I broke my arm snowboarding. I like to think of my self as adventurous, however sometimes humbling myself and learning (taking a lesson on how to hit boxes/rails properly) from others may be the more "stewardly" answer. Frustration has risen as day in and day out I have failed at accomplishing tasks that normally I think nothing of. I can't "prove" myself and instead have to let others help me. The body I have been given, its movements, and its lifespan are a gift. During all this stuff with my arm I have also been "struggling" with finances. Now when I say "struggling" I don't mean really struggling. Because when I look at what I have been given it far surpases what many have and what I should even have. But for whatever reason I have been entrusted with much. And with all that I have been entrusted I have been a miserable steward...offering a token Starbucks coffee to a friend every now and again. Wow that is really going to break the bank. As my car struggled to shift gears today I got so frustrated with God. "Why would You keep racking up the bills? You do realize that I have bills coming for my broken arm, expenses towards Christmas gifts, bills from my new snow tires, rent due and I am trying to find a new place that will no doubt be more expensive, DON'T YOU?" And then I just cried out "Please Lord just provide. I have no idea why this is all happening, but just provide what I need." And sure enough after a $1.89 worth of brake fluid my car was fine.

It shouldn't have taken all of this to get my attention but sometimes the free-spirited and strong willed individuals are a little hard of hearing. Here is a verse that keeps coming to my mind...

"For everyone to whom much is given, of him shall much be required." -- Luke 12:48

the anticipation begins

things i can't wait for:
1. celebrating Christmas tea...even if we are missing two members of the Final Four.
2. playing pictionary with the family...guys vs. girls.
3. snuggling up with my dear friends and catching up on life, love, and a little soccer.
4. going for a Christmas morning run with lots of snow to throw and play in.
5. seeing my nieces and nephews and how much their ever changing personalities.
6. giving gifts and seeing faces light up.
7. being re-united with Mars Hill for one day.
8. sleeping in my bed.
9. flying in an airplane.
10. eating Mummy's Christmas cookies.

ah I am pumped!

windsor knots and brain wrecking thoughts

I could not ask for a better weekend. I got to do so many things I love with people I love. I started out the weekend by spending some quality time with the future house members of Mean Girls Manor. We went down to the parade of lights downtown with a little help from our friend - Peppermint Schnapps. We saw floats, old men dancing, and I almost yelled that Santa wasn't real. But actually practiced a little self-restraint for the kids' sake. We fell asleep to Mean Girls and good talks.

Saturday I spent the day riding at Copper which got dumped on. J and his class were up there. And so it was great to see his friends as well as go boarding for the first time with him. Not bad. I was impressed. He and I hit up the J.Crew outlet and then sat for a good three hours in traffic. love it.

Church was good for me Sunday. I was frustrated/irritable. And it just was so great to be surrounded by a community of people that are passionate. We watched the Colts game afterwards. Sarah and I drew pictures and talked about pretty much a bunch of nonsence while the rest of the group had deep discussions about religeon and politics. I am going to love living with that girl! (plus we have the same shoe size...priceless)

Sunday night J took me out...on a date...it was so sweet. We got dressed up in Holiday fashion. I am not gonna lie...we were smokin'. :) Well at least he was.



So the weekend was great. It was good to have that after such a strange week. I had a conversation that just frustrated me to death. I felt like nothing I said in that conversation was heard or meaningful. I think I should have just shut up and listen. And then ended the conversation. I don't know why it all bothered me so much other than the fact that I think there should be a general respect for people whether you "love" them or not. Anyone you encounter should be another opportunity to show Christ's love and compassion. I know I fell short in that because I allowed my frustration with how the entire thing was handled to take over my heart.



I have a lot to work on. I need to pursue the Lord. I need to pursue His love and a better understanding of who He is and what it means to follow Him. A never ending process.

i'm not innocent

i'm not innocent of gossip
i'm not innocent of lying

sometimes i talk behind people's backs
sometimes i just slightly bend the truth so i appear a certain way

i'm not innocent of being controlling
i'm not innocent of expecting perfection

sometimes i do what it takes to have things my way
sometimes i forget that my name is grace and that i should offer that to others

i'm not innocent of fear
i'm not innocent of recklessness

sometimes i run from things when i should run to them
sometimes i don't weigh things out and look at the potential damage that may fall on someones heart

i'm not innocent of pride
i'm not innocent of jealousy

sometimes i see myself as better than others or deserving of something better
sometimes i look at others and wish i were as beautiful, smart, or blessed as them

the fact of the matter is that sometimes i don't see my faults. and when i don't see my own faults i am unable to bear the thought of someone else having faults. i place expectations on their lives that i, myself, could never withstand. and i end up hurting others as well as distancing myself from what could be good, maybe even great.

people are comin' over tonight...going out...chillin'. i love it here!

plus i am goin' boardin' tomorrow and i am stoked :)

i am so glad that God has different plans than i do most of the time. it ends up working out way better than i could have hoped for!

i have so many things going through my mind and heart. i can't even explain them all. i have been so blessed by intentional people, specifically my roommate and friend Julie. she has gone out of her way to show me just how much i am loved and reminding me who i am. spa night...looking at pictures...listening...talking...sniffing a blanket that appeared suspicious. She knows the right questions to ask. I feel so loved by her.

i have been shaken. but one thing God has shown me over and over this year is that my identity, my beauty, and my worth does not come from what i do, who i am with, or what people think of me. i know this idea flies in the face of magazine ads, movies, and our culture as a whole, but i know it is true. You look at something like beauty...i will never win a beauty pagaent. that is a fact. the standards are different than i will ever be. i will never be perfect, flawless. i will never have the lips of Angelina or the booty of Beyonce (actually i am quite thankful for that one). But the fact of the matter is.."beauty is fleeting". As cliche as it sounds... it is what is inside that counts most. Everything in my life that has been monumental has been a matter of the heart. Beauty on moment can put you at the front of the line and the next moment you are in the bathroom with coverup struggling to cover an "imperfection". Thank goodness the magazines are able to airbrush any mistakes. If beauty is skin deep i come up short (literally) every time. That is what is facinating about our design. We have been given a beauty that shines and illuminates from our souls. Something that is unexplainable. Something that says I don't care that I don't match up to other people...I am beautiful. Oh gosh I am beginning to sound like Christina Aguilera (Sp?).
I know I am ranting but I just want girls and guys to see beauty in themselves and in the everyday people they encounter. From that drop dead georgeous blonde that walks into the coffee shop to the old wrinkled woman who serves you beer at the pub.
It is God's image illumating within all of us that creates beauty. Beauty that changes lives.

I find it fascinating how this struggle of beauty destroys not only girls of all ages (eating disorders, depression, negative self-image) but also men. It takes men from viewing a woman as precious and breath-taking to objectifying. Satan has such a huge foot hold in this area. Imagine if we started looking different. Started focusing on the hearts of people instead of their esthetics. I want to live differently. I want to love recklessly. And I want to discover beauty like never before.

i have been given more than enough.
i have no room for complaint. there is pain. and there is heartache.
and i do feel lonely at times.
but i know with all my heart that i am loved.
i know that no matter where i go God just continues to show me love.

there is a song that my friend often refers to that says "there's gonna be love in all this pain."

sometimes the pain seems stronger than the love but i know that i always have love to carry me through the pain. and i would rather feel pain from stepping out in love, then holding my heart to myself.

the Elf party was a hit. I really enjoyed decorating and making food for people. Like puppy chow and spiked hot cocoa. seeing everyone's faces when they walked in and saw the giant "Elf" I spelled out in lights was probablly my favorite. Seeing them smile I could not help but smile too.

seriously now

ok well i have heard bits and pieces in regards to the movie Knocked Up. But seriously did they need to show a cha cha? Julie and I died laughing. Even now I just keep laughing. It is disturbing to the point of sheer humor.
.
I was not really impressed with the movie but definately glad I watched it. And I never want to have a Baby. Adoption is the only option. Ok not really but right now I will stick to remaining un-knocked up.

Today has been incredible to say the least. I can't even explain it. It is like instead of being sad I have been rediculously happy. This pressure has just been lifted. I can't even count the amount of amazingly hillarious things that happened today. And it was as if all day these people came across my path that just made me laugh. My mom called and we talked about the past few days and as I talked I was blown away by the fact that I was so free feeling. I think for the first time I feel so content in knowing that I have no control. I get to live freely. I can dance. Dance until I am swept off my feet. Or until I get tired.

I have the day off tomorrow and I can't wait to spend the day doing things I have put off doing for so long because my mind has been pre-occupied. The day is mine to dive into. To breath deeply and to laugh as loud as I want to.

I may just have to go streaking through Denver.

What's love got to do, got to do, got to do with it?

Today in church the teacher was speaking on marriage. This sacred thing that has been torn down in our society. Sex holds no sacredness in most relationships. People see no reason in working through things and divorce has become this transaction of paperwork, children, and finances.

Meanwhile people and relationships are being torn apart.

It is fascinating to me how the Lord works. For me things are usually shown to me in groups of three. Weird I know, but consistantly if I am shown twice something there will always be a third "sign" to follow. God knows my heart and knows that I need to be given direction so clearly that he does that for me everytime. And I can't help but feel loved.

Today things ended with the guy I have been dating for about a month now. I have never had things end the way they did today. I left crying...not for myself but for him. My heart hurt so much for him. I see in him such great qualities to offer but his views on love and relationships hold him back. I am okay with the fact that he was not drawn to me. I am okay with the fact that I was not beautiful or great in his eyes. But I am not ok with the fact that he didn't even fight..for me or himself.

If I have seen one thing in my parents 20 something years of being married, it is that it takes work. Work like you would not believe. Come on they put up with 6 crazy kids and adult foster care...it takes work. Selflessness. But that work is love. It is not a burden it is a decision made daily. A selfless decision to love a person for who they are.

When it comes to dating I think it is definately a process of figuring out if a person is compatible or not. It is not based simply on emotion or romantic feelings. Those things will struggle to exist at points and if that is what we hold onto...we end up losing everytime. When I think of the way that I am loved by God...the ultimate form of love...is that His love for me is unconditional. It is not feelings based or merit based it is unconditional. And this sacred covenant between to people is saying "my desire is to love you unconditionally, because God loved me first."

It takes work. It is a choice. It is something I hope to experience in a marriage someday. But right now I want to emulate that with the incredible people around me. With those that are naturally easy to love and those that I have to grit my teeth and love.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

This verse requires work...i would be astounded the day I met a person that didn't have to work to make these things happen. I fall short at least.

I am so blessed. God is so faithful and loving even when I have nothing to give but a broken heart.

Warren Miller Film = Excellent.

$500 dollars to spend at the Crew...fantastic.

Good talks with great people = love it.

Today was a good one.

i love my roommates. we all looked smashing tonight for Tracy's birthday party/funtivities. Today was a little bit frustrating but filled with so much encouragement and affirmation from friends. I feel so loved.

oh and my girls are playing in Nationals tomorrow. I am so proud of them!

I came across several great magazines tonight while drinking an Italian Soda and chatting with new friends. But one stood out. It is called Metro.Pop. (http://www.metrodotpop.com/)
I was excited by its focus on young artists and the depth of articles (As opposed to the ad-ridden magazine movement). Great photos. Great reads. Check it out.

I am a little bit ancy of late. I am wanting to get plugged in with students. I want to be able to just hang out with kids and talk about life. I want to invest. Hopefully I connect with something soon.

Dynamics of personalities always facinates me. How some people just connect and others take so much effort to create a connection. Just when you think you have done all the growing a person can do, you realize you have only just begun the process. We are constantly forced to bend and flex with others. Sometimes to the point in which you ask yourself when can I just be that stubborn old grumpy woman? At what age do I get to throw in the towel and just speak my mind freely - no reservations.

God. I have been experiencing God in some pretty crazy ways. He feels more real to me now than he did when I had my check list in place. He is so present in my everyday. I don't know where I would be without him to be honest. I sometimes find myself just rambling to him about the most random things...and what is strange is he cares. He is listening.

Well this was a little random and all over the place but it felt good to write.
I think I need to spend more time writing and pursuing my creative dreams...

goin' deep

I feel overly emotional today. I wish I had some sort of excuse like "it's that time of month" or "Dashboard just came out with a new album that I am listening to non-stop"...but I don't (thank the Lord). I think it is a combination of fear and wanting more out of life.

Fear.

Isaiah 41:10, “Fear not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am your God: I will strengthen you; I will help you; I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness.”

I am so afraid of the unknown. Afraid that I will wind up hurt again. Afraid that I will make the same mistakes I made before. Afraid that I will not be considered beautiful or that the little things about me will not be found endearing but rather obnoxious or strange. I love living in a care-free manner but sometimes I find these fears lurking. Keeping me from leeping into the unknown.

I must trust. Daily.

I want more from this life.
I want to be a light in people's lives. So often I am not and I want to be intentional. I have this great passion to work with teenage girls. To share my heart with them. To remind them of their beauty. To be a constant in their lives when so many things and people are not constant. I am hoping to get plugged in somewhere I can just really invest in others and stop focusing on myself. It is interesting because I think that the pursuit of this will lessen my fear. Because my eyes won't be so fixated on myself and my own future but I will be able to celebrate the here and now's and the futures of others.

"Being unwanted, unloved, uncared for, forgotten by everybody, I think that is a much greater hunger, a much greater poverty than the person who has nothing to eat. " - Mother Teresa

Snow Bunny

the snow bunny's were a big hit. We went to a club and started the dance party. Then we got attacked by some guys in Jorts. My favorite costume by far was the a guy dressed up as a ghost and made probablly the best sound effects ever. The non-scandalous snowbunnies was by far the life of the party. I love these girls! Goin' to Breck for the weekend with Sarah. I can't wait to play in the snow again!

Salt and Light

I have been meaning to write about Sunday for a few days now...
I finally decided to start going to Denver Community church and this was a perfect Sunday to be a part of that community. I sat amazed as God just spoke so directly to my heart. The pastor spoke from the passage in Matthew about being salt and light. Salt is meant to preserve, heal, or destroy. Its meaning in this context is uncertain however I related so well with each of these meanings.
In our everyday encounters with people we can bring all of these things. We can be a preservation of God's promises, a healing ointment for those who are hurting, and a destructive force to the walls that years of hurt have built up in peoples' lives.

Light is the opposite of darkness. Wherever we are we can be a light. A joy. Put a smile on someones face.

We are to be drastically different. When I think about my day to day and how many times I fall short of being different I am reminded that being Salt and Light is not a one man job but it is a job for a community of believers. If it were just me there would be no room to fail. But a community allows for failure and offers a hand to pull me up when I do.

The ironic thing about all of this is what happened while I was taking notes.
I flipped my page to write on the back of it and discovered some things a friend had jotted down for me a few months ago at a time when I had ended a relationship. I was hurting and questioning my own standards. I wrote down things that I wanted to do to discover healing as well as things that I desired in the future. I have often thought about these lists and these standards and wondered if I have set the bar too high. But Sunday as I came across this I was amazed to see how each act of healing had taken place in my heart without even knowing. And each thing that was on my list of desires/standards for future relationships was not unatainable but has been shown to me as attainable and worth waiting for.

God is so faithful and loves me more than I even know. I know that the places I have come from, the love and the trials I have been through only point me closer to his endless love for me.

Now I get to share that gracious love with others through my community.

booty

So today as I was walking out of the mall for my lunch break, I saw this guy blatently checking out this women's hind quarters. As in he was leaned forward with his head turned as she walked by. I made certain to make eye contact with him gave him "the look", and chuckled as I walked by. At least be a little more discrete.

I love life right now. I am free to just be whoever I want and do whatever I want. It is truly how I want to live my life, in complete freedom. Free-spirited. I am learning so much about who I am and about those around me. I am surrounded by some really incredible people.

Current events:
1. Mean Girls- I'm addicted to this movie right now.
2. I got a package in the mail this week that made my week!
3. I got a gym membership..."workin' on my fitness. he's my witness"

(I am still trying to get back into this blogging thing. Deepness will come at some point)

Adjustments.

I have been sewing a ton. There is something so exciting about finding the beauty in something that most people would walk by and never think twice about. It seems like all the adjusting I am doing on my garments is parallel to the adjusting that is going on in my own life. (deep isn't it).
I recently moved to Colorado to start something new. I am living in a new town, with brand new people, a new job, and a new church. I am done with school which I have done for the past 18 years of my life. My friends are scattered everywhere. But I have an overwhelming sense of home here. It is like all of my passions just fit perfectly into this environment. I mean I can watch The Hills whenever I want. What more could I ask for? But in all honesty I could not ask for a better place to be. I feel like I am experiencing a life few get to experience because they are married(or even dating for that matter) or pursuing an intense carrier or they are living alone. I feel so blessed. I am living with 4 incredible women who Love the Lord. And we just have a blast together. There is no pressure to be in a relationship which is what I felt all the time back home. And I just feel so free.
Don't get me wrong I miss so many people that are part of my life but I am trusting that they are experiencing life to the fullest where they are at as well. But I miss you. I do.

In other news I bought two rugs at Urban and cut them into squares and circles. Cool idea except I am not sure if the day will come when they stop shedding fuzzies on the ground.

Next project: Corduroy trousers.

So I haven't quite figured this all out yet. But I decided I should start writing about life. Meanwhile the photo of myself will remain squatty looking :)